Letters: More on Relationships

XXXX

Good to hear from you again. Hope your studies are going well. I see doubts are still playing on your mind. You mentioned the other girl who you have more in common with:

This worried me as I was scared I would fancy her. I don’t think I do, but its always a fear of mine that could happen.

That is something you can have control of - the devil will always find someone to tempt you with in a relationship, no matter who you marry. So you need to learn to fix your mind and your eyes on one person. The grass always looks greener elsewhere. It wont happen if you don't let it.

also xxxx seems to really really really really love me, and that scares me.

It's understandable that you're scared if you aren't sure about your feelings for her - you don't want to hurt her that much.

I love spending time with her, and love being with her, but when were apart I only rarely miss her

I'm exactly the same. I can go away for a conference and not miss Judith at all, until I phone her, or hear her voice. I think some of us are wired to focus on what we are doing at one moment, and we are so focused on it that other things don't get taken into account. I wouldn't worry too much about that issue. The fact that you love spending time with her is the key aspect.

these are her good points
1 loving
2 Looks out for the best for me
3 patient
4 Puts me first over her - a lot

These qualities above are ones that make her a good partner.

5 Great Christian striving to grow more with God
6 Encourages me to grow

These are the mark of a good Christian partner

7 attractive
8 her family are great

These are nice bonuses!

All-in-all that's more than most relationships have!

not so good points…

No-one is perfect, the issue is can you live with these imperfections? If this is all that's wrong, I would suggest you are on a winner!

find her humour irritating(not so a bad point, but I can’t seem to let it not annoy me at times)

Partners do annoy each other at times, the key is to deal with it Christianly. I can tell you that no matter who you marry you will always find something annoying about them. And the devil will magnify it and make it seem like the most annoying thing in the world. Its all about how you react. Pray about it. (not that she'll become funny, but that you'll be able to live graciously with the things that annoy you.)

don't share alot in common

Not so important as long as you have things you can talk about. If you have everything in common there isnt as much to talk about. Now you have twice as many areas. Learn to be interested in what interests her. Make every effort to understand her life and remember to ask about the things she's doing. Be genuinely interested and remember what she says and ask more the next time.

sometimes doesnt listen well, but she is striving to improve.

You can help her by talking about the problem openly.

she seems to see my bad points and move past them and want to marry me.

That's a mark of maturity. Again another good sign. It might be the case that you need to focus on maturing more as a Christian - ie growing as a man of God. In other words focus on growing closer to God and that will bring you closer to xxxx.

Focus on the Godward relationship and the relationship with xxxx will be helped.

To sum it all up:

- You wont find the perfect partner. And she seems first class.
- Ask yourself, "Is she someone I could come home to every night?"
- Don’t ask yourself, "Is she the right one for me?" but "Am I being the right one for her?" in other words, Do I put her 1st over me, and look out for what's best for her? (What areas are you praying that xxxx will grow in as a Christian? - that will be a good indicator of how to look out for her heart.)
- Dont make any decision yet. Wait a year and concentrate on your relationship with God.

You need to tell her:
- that you are waiting a year with no pressure to decide.
- that she's not on trial, she's nearly perfect!
- that you love her, but you want to make sure that you are right for her.
- that you're giving yourself time to grow as a Christian, not leaving time for her to prove she is perfect after all

Then:
- do all you can to grow as a Christian
- do all you can to show xxxx she's important to you
- talk about things openly - dont leave her guessing
- praise her good points, and dont draw attention to her bad points. (this will help you to keep from focusing on the things that annoy you.)

Hope this helps. From your brother in Christ.

Sorry its so long an email, but relationships are never simple!

Mark